Breakups suck, but crappy relationships suck more
There are a lot of obvious reasons
breakups happen, like infidelity, constant screaming matches, or mismatched
future hopes and dreams.
But sometimes, things aren't so much
actively wrong as they are just NOT RIGHT.
And if things
aren't feeling right, it can be hard to tell whether you should break up or
work through it.
To help you deal with any
relationship uncertainty, we talked to a few experts who shared the common red
flags that things probably aren't going to work out.
Obviously no one but you REALLY knows all the details and
nuances of your relationship and whether it should end. And, as with any
relationship problem, an important step in deciding how to move forward is
talking to your partner first. But if you feel like you've tried everything and
you're still questioning things, see if any of these bad signs ring a bell.
1. The quirks and habits that
were NBD before are now driving you freaking crazy.
Let's say they've
always been messy, but now you can barely stand what a slob they are. "Ask
yourself why this is getting on your nerves now," relationship
expert Pepper said. "It's hard to leave
something you've put a lot of time and emotion into, so you might be fixating
on smaller things instead of the bigger problem."
2. You choose to spend time with
your friends, your job, or your Social Network accounts more often than with your
partner.
You might not feel
like you're actively avoiding spending time with them, but if you keep making
plans that just happen to mean you don't get to hang out with
them, it's probably not a coincidence. Even if it's not
intentional, you're making a choice and you're not picking your partner.
3. Things aren't really moving
forward and there's no good explanation for it.
"A
relationship won't have a future — or a good one, at least — if one member of
the couple constantly puts the brakes on developing more intimacy,"
psychologist Seth Meyers claimed. So if
they are making excuses about things like introducing you to their friends or
family, talking about the future, or opening up about themselves, they're
probably avoiding it for a reason.
4. You've broken up and gotten
back together more than once.
Getting back
together once is fine, but anything more than that and you're probably not
dealing with the real reason... you keep breaking up. Skip the
dysfunctional cycle of getting back together whenever you miss each other or
are lonely and remember that you broke up for a legit reason.
5. If there was a physical
component to your relationship before, it's pretty much dead now.
A dead sex life
might seem like something you can work with — and it definitely is in some
cases — but if you are just NOT attracted to your partner like you used to be,
Schwartz suggests imagining feeling that way for years. It doesn't matter if
you're not sure yet how long you'll be with them. If this person turns out to
be the one that goes the distance, are you okay going without that strong
physical attraction?
6. Or sex is pretty much the
only thing going right with you two.
Totally fine if the
purpose of this relationship is to meet your physical needs only. But if this isn't a
casual situation, it can be a bad sign if you're all sex, no talk. Those relationships can last for years, they typically don't last for many
years.
7. You spend a decent amount of
time thinking about what else is out there... and if those people might be
better for you.
It's normal to be a
little curious what it'd be like to be with someone else. But if you find
yourself wondering if there is someone who is more reliable, sensitive,
communicative, or whatever else than your partner, those fantasies might be
highlighting the holes in your relationship.
8. You bicker all the effing
time about pretty much anything.
You've probably
heard that it's healthy for couples to fight. That's true to an extent, but
arguing constantly isn't normal. If you're picking fights more often than
you're having positive, rewarding communication, pretty much all experts
agreed: It's time to reconsider.
9. You're going through the
motions of your relationship just because.
Yeah, you're still
doing everything you used to, like going out on dates, complimenting each
other, having sex, but it no longer feels exciting or ~organic~. If you've
gotten to a point that you feel like you're play-acting your relationship, it's probably not a relationship you should be in anymore.
10. Their negative personality
traits have gotten worse.
Everyone brings
flaws and not-so-nice parts of themselves to a relationship. When those flaws
start taking over, though, it's a pretty big sign that you're heading into bad
territory.
Think: They've always been a little jealous, now
they're overbearing. They've always been a little irritable, now they're just
mean. They've always been private, now they refuse to open up at all.
"Very often it's not a slump, it's the beginning of the end,".
11. You're super jealous and
suspicious of them more often than not.
It's one thing if
your partner is acting shady.... it's another if you find yourself wanting to
keep tabs on them or not trusting them when they haven't given you a reason not
to. If that's the case, you probably have some stuff you need to work on within
yourself.
12. One of you is still hung up
on an ex.
This should be a
serious deal breaker for any romantic relationship, says Meyers. It shows that
you're not emotionally all in and no relationship can move forward if someone
is still living in the past. You both deserve better than
that.
13. You find yourself thinking
that your relationship is 'better than nothing'.
It's not. If you're
staying in a not-great relationship for this reason, you're really not being
honest or fair. Walking away from a relationship can be
terrifying, but that doesn't mean it's not a good decision sometimes. It
also frees you up to be single and dating again... which means that there is a
good possibility you will get into a better relationship.
14. You constantly feel like
you're not a priority to them.
A good relationship
is reciprocal, meaning you're receiving as much as you're giving. And that's
not possible when a person is selfish and putting their needs over yours.
15. Your timelines are just off.
<Wrong timing> might seem like the oldest line in the book, but it can be a legit relationship
killer. Are you wanting more of a commitment than that person is
ready or willing to give you right now? Are your schedules totally at odds? Are
you guys just in different places in life (literally or figuratively)?
16. You're holding out for your
partner to make a big change in order for things to get better.
If you're banking
on your partner...
—Changing their mind about wanting kids, getting married,
relocating, or other serious future stuff
—Getting over their anger problems or other emotional issues
—Adjusting any personal or moral values that conflict with yours
Just...don't. Either discuss how much you both are willing to
compromise or cut your losses.
17. You came into this post
looking for a sign you should break up with them.
OK...you clearly
don't want to be with this person if you're looking for us to give you
permission to end it.
Go forth. Be free. Dump them. Here's How!
